happy newyear
11:30 pm
I trudge along… no wait, I TRAIPSE
(such a fancy word for my awkward gait) along route 6 carrying the weight of my
world along. Your first impression is that I am probably not a very
enthusiastic or a happy person right? Well you are going to have to wait till
the end of my story to make that determination for certain one way or the other
albeit I would be the first to admonish you from placing reliance on my mere
say so. After all if there is one thing I can say for sure about our sinful
world, it is; we all tell LIES
It is rude to not introduce oneself
before presuming to impose a story on hapless readers such as yourself... I
apologize but I am not sorry. Our relationship will not survive the last
full-stop to my story.
You see the dark towering cherry trees
that line route 6 to the right? The view
tonight is picturesque. This city has its fair share of virtues and vices… the
seedy clubs lining the way to my left with resonating music, lewd drunks and
ladies with negotiable morals more germane examples of its vices. It is hard to
hear over the din of honks and hurled expletives created by the endless stream
of automobiles creating a big traffic hold-up on route 6. Most are on their way
to the cathedral for the big “coming into the new year Inter-denominational
Service”. It is doubtful most of them will get there in time... this service is
my destination too and it is for this reason I am legging it this cold night. This
story will be short for in fifteen minutes I will be in the Lord’s domain.
11:45 pm
It is cold out
tonight. Hopefully the sporadic clapping our joyful hearts would produce in
church will thaw my frozen fingers. It is funny how the need to clap and sing
joyfully will mysteriously arise as soon as I get to church even though at this
moment, I do not feel very joyful. The rowdy crowds of fun seekers plunging
their scarlet souls in deeper sin mill seamlessly all around me adding to the
gridlocked traffic and giving the environment a festive aura.
“Uncle good evening…”
“Good evening dear, do I know you?”
“I go do you better, come follow me…”
Yikes! Silly
me. I cannot walk away fast enough from her. Get thee behind me, I have a date
with my God.
Traffic from
route 17 has brought a party and a fight. Angry people everywhere and irritable
drivers blaring their horns as if they somehow believe they can create a path
if they blew hard enough. An itinerant preacher is going hoarse in his attempt
to introduce the sparring duo to Jesus. I negotiate my way so as not to receive
a free gift from the brawlers or the encouraging group of spectators like a
black eye. I can make out the outline of the cathedral now and my steps become
lighter.
11:52 pm
“ejo tori olorun, fumi l’owo…”
“…”
“don allah bani kudi”
What a
tenacious beggar. He is actually tagging along beside me as I try to pretend he
does not exist. It does not work so I fish out a worn #100 note for him. Estatic,
he wishes me success in all my endeavors. The high level of security at the
church is sad. All kinds of detectors are being used to screen for bombs. The
future looks bleak for this country. The pedestrian gate is manned by two
uniformed gentlemen who look under the influence of something.
“Wetin you carry Mr. man?”
They greet as
I halt before them. Obviously I am empty-handed… Good-naturedly, I flash them
what I hope is my best impression of a toothy-grin.
“My Oga’s them, I hail with respect... how go dey go now?”
“My brother if no be for hunger we for thank God,
Since morning we never shop… we dey here dey suffer for una”
I recognize
their subtle request and give them the twin to the #100 the obstinate beggar got
from me a while ago. The other one collects it and registers his displeasure
immediately…
“Ogaaaa oh na boli money u give us so but wetin we
go use wash am down?”
Extortionists!
I produce a #200 naira note and they unceremoniously shove me in... I look at
my knock-off timepiece as I make my way into the… I have just three minutes to
the New Year and the service is fever-pitched as it approaches its crescendo…
“AMEN?”
“HALLELUYAAAAAAAH!!!
12: 58 PM
I make my way
slowly up the aisle... bodies litter the church in various poses of
supplication. Over 7000 people beseeching the lord for varied reasons as I
stride forward with purpose… I stop briefly pretending to pray while I ensure
my fingers are ready for what is about to come.
“BRETHREN JOIN ME AND COUNT DOWN THE LAST 10
SECONDS OF THE YEAR”
“TEN…”
“NINE…”
Right now I am
so giddy with anticipation I begin to sweat… then I am enveloped by calm so
serene it seems almost divine. I start to race forward with purpose…
“FIVE…”
I tear off my
tunic and a few wide eyes betray the panic my appearance has caused but it is
too late for me… too late for them… too late for everybody. They will speak
about this day for a long time to come. They will tell their children and their
children’s children. I have finally succeeded at something contrary to what
everybody in my past thought…
“TWO”
“ONE”
I feel the
plunger in my hand vibrate as I clench it in my fist; I hear the beep as the
signal is received kick-starting the chemical process. I scream as I am blinded by the white flash
and deafened as I literally disintegrate as the primed ordinance lashed around
my midriff explodes with a resonating boom:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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